THE NICK SWARDSON
NEWS - OBSERVER
50 CENTS 165th year No. 1 FEBRUARY
3, 2001 KICKASS
VERSION
NICK BREAKS
WITH TYPEWRITER!
SOMEWHERE, U.S.A. - In a shocking
move towards independence,comedian Nick Swardson, 24, broke up with his
long-standing typewriter of thirty years in order to move on to bigger and
better things - a web page of his own.
"She found someone more her
speed," Swardson said minutes after having an all night discussion with
his typewriter. "It was a amicable split between two adult nouns."
The 'someone more her speed' is Mr.
Jerry Lerdenburg, 67, of Bussagusset, Minnesota.
"She's a real beaut!"
Lerdenburg said. "I can't believe Nick didn't want her anymore. Look at
her beautiful keys and those sleek lines...she's in good shape!"
Admitting his ex-typewriter was
"old skool", Swardson said that the breakup was for the best.
"I just need to move on with my
life," Swardson said. "I need space in order to find my creative,
feminine side."
As for the typewriter in question,
she declined to comment when the News-Observer phoned for an interview, however
she did release the following typed statement:
"!@#$%^&*()(**&&^%$$#@@#$#####@$%^^," she
said."!#$!$@%#$^$&^%&1234567891 0abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz."
One citizen of Bussagusset said that
the typewriter had been seen several times sporting a new pink covering while
riding around in a matching convertible.
"I wish her all the luck in the
world, " said Swardson. "I just hope she can look back on our years
with a ;) [referring to an internet "happy face"].”
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